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Internet dating spreadsheet

His sex score was off the charts, but on our first meeting he talked at length about HIPAA requirements in relation to e-mail correspondence. I am not the outdoorsy type; I even listed “hiking avoidance” as a hobby in my profile. Even so, I managed to find more than 20 Portlanders who didn’t a) have a tent-building tryout on the first date, b) have gluten allergies, or c) already know me. ) one-night stands, which seemed out of character for me at the time but which I see now as a dating rite of passage.** I went to Build-Your-Own-Burrito Night at Ron Jeremy’s sex club, wherein the big shock of the evening was that they ran out of tortillas.I realize that doesn’t sound very interesting; you might be surprised to learn it’s even Ok Cupid was the catalyst for the majority of my dates. I attended a fellatio class in North Portland wherein I learned that the proper etiquette after accidentally grazing your classmate with your practice dildo is to bow slightly and say, “Apologies.

In 2014 I found myself in my mid-40s and still single. Up to that point, I’d had only one real adult relationship. And that I’d approach this scientifically, in a methodological fashion I was convinced would help me avoid the emotional pitfalls that led, in a roundabout way, to imaginary vaginal elves. There-could-be-a-small-colony-of-elves-in-my-vagina-baking-cookies-for-all-I-know-because-no-one’s-been-up-there-to-check single (though that would be a loud and delicious-smelling enterprise to hide, and thus seemed unlikely). I resolved that I’d be up for whatever came my way. I began with a humiliating but necessary public Facebook request: friends—set me up, give me advice, find me options!It had left me so heartbroken and raw that for years I cried whenever anything even remotely romantic crossed my path: an old couple holding hands in Forest Park, two dogs sharing spaghetti, a 5-Hour Energy drink commercial. I thought approaching the romantic market armed with an analytical spreadsheet would make me more objective, and any resulting relationship would be less likely to fail. I just wanted a tool more accurate than my rusty dating brain to help me make a choice that wouldn’t bite me in the ass later.Additionally, I could add the ability to freeze header rows to my Microsoft Office skill set. I set up categories, allowing for ratings on a scale of 1 to 10 in each, as follows: Smart, Funny, Finds Me Funny, How Attracted I Am to Him, How Attracted He Is to Me, Interesting Job He’s Passionate About, Good Conversation, Sex, Likes to Talk About Ideas, and My Overall Affection for Him. Or, one that would bite me in the ass, but only if I asked it to.

This may be where you make the “bad person” estimation. I went on 28 first dates that year, all entered into the spreadsheet.

I didn’t set out to have a particular number; I just told myself to put on my Big Girl Pants and get the hell out there.

Two dates came in direct response to my original Facebook request, both friends who hadn’t known I was single.

Lesson learned: post more sly social media updates that clue people in to your singlehood, like, “I sure do look silly on this tandem bicycle!

” or “I liked , but I would’ve enjoyed it so much more if I weren’t so desperately lonely.” Another single friend saw my post and recommended Tinder, which I found to be a dark place of hookups and brazen left- and right-swiping, even more shallow than my spreadsheet.

I did meet one very sweet polyamorous lawyer via the app, however.